Office Pranks, Office Humor, and Office Stories - One Crazy Office

In the last blog entry you learned about how and why I had to get a job. So my VERY first site was??? A parking Lot. Yup I got to watch a bunch of cars in a church parking lot. What the deal was is there was 3 restaurant chains that needed to save on parking so they rented out the church parking lot on Friday and Saturday nights and ran a shuttle for the employees to and from the restaurants.

I didn't really care since it was quiet. My first night though I thought I was so important and I was guarding their cars life's. Boy I learned very quickly that I was there only for the employees peace of mind and no on even would look at me to say hello or bye. But I did get to see some good looking employees that was using the shuttle.

I spent most of the time though in my car with my own thoughts. At the time I thought it would be wrong to read a book or do anything, but sit in my car staring at other peoples cars with my window down for some cool air.

After my second night I knew that wasn't going to work since I would drain my cars battery listening to the radio. And I kept fighting off sleep since all I could do is sit there.

So the second week I was out there I was careful to be aware of when those employees would be around so they wouldn't catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Like reading a book. I had no idea if I was allowed to or not, but everyone told me I was at a higher standard because of my dad.

I started to figure out though it was better to read a book than to fall asleep. I preferred the sleep since it made the nights go by faster, however for some reason the people had problems with it. After the second week I gave up on trying to be nice to these people by waving at them.

So I started bring out books with my. Nothing to big, just enough for the night. Problem is the only books I owned was books that I had when I was a kid. I didn't have a problem with it though, I just knew people would laugh at me if they saw me still reading those books. What were those books you asked??? GOOSE BUMP books of course.

And lucky for me I still had the entire set. I would be able to read about one book a night to so it worked out perfectly. Well It worked for a few weeks, but I started getting bored with them and started falling asleep again. And I have to say for those who haven't ever worked security you should try it for just one night. It is so HARD to stay awake and fight the boredom.

So my mom(who was actually in town at the time picking up some things before heading back) introduced me to some of her books that she has had. They were called Left Behind. I am sure a lot of you have heard of those books. Lucky for me they were able to keep my attention for the night and it would take more than one night to read through them.

By this time I started getting my paychecks and it wasn't much since I only worked two nights a week, but it was enough to keep me happy, fed, and put gas in my car. My social life was taking a huge hit though since I wasn't able to hang out with friends during the best times of the weekend because I had to work. I lost out on a lot during my senior year.

I finished those book and I have worked out there for a few months by this time. But now I was out of books to read and I was getting bored FAST. At this time the employees who cars I was protecting with my life and started to notice that I didn't exist so I got more bold. I started to bring out my game boy. Funny part about this is I only had one game left from when I was young. POKEMON!!!! Which was still pretty fun to play since that game is still awesome.

I started out on that site in March or April. I ended up getting moved to the corporate site in August. Even though I was out there for a few short months I had learned a lot about working security and a lot about myself.

Monday- Had the pleasure of dealing with 50 new hires this morning. That as of right now I am still not done with. They just keep popping in right when I think I am done. Other than that my supervisor is going nuts because they are giving him more duties and we are one guard short because he waited till the last second to take care of a ticket so now he had to leave.

I don't see a problem that guard is the laziest person I ever met anyways :)

Tuesday- Something funny happened if you like "that's what she said jokes." OK here it is. We had this new guard training and it was a girl which is odd for security, but it does happen. Anyways they guard who was training gets on the radio where over 30 people can here him and says. " I am almost done with her...Give me another 10 minutes and I'll be done."

Laughter ensued

Wednesday- Had the pleasure of being in a server room all day long having to babysit techs working on this unit. When I over heard them saying that this one part was not broken. Which happen to be the one they were called in to look at and replace. The real problem was a leak somewhere else. I called and told the facilities manager about and he didn't care told me not to worry about it. WOW that thing that they are going to replace is more than I make in a year and they don't even need to replace it and they don't care. Maybe I should ask for a raise hmm...

Thursday- Had to listen to this one guard on how much of a ladies man he is. Other than that it has been a real slow week so far.

This is the guy who always thinks he has the virus that's going around. Or if you get something he thinks he has it now. This one guy in particular that I know is particularly funny. One time he told me he was drinking his drink and he told his daughter not to drink after him because she had a sore throat. Well all of a sudden a few hours later his throat starts to get scratchy and starts saying she took a drink of his water and got him sick.

This type of person is usually a huge neat freak. And while it may be funny to play around with him. Like start to coughing and say you don't know what's going on, you just started coughing. He will call in the next day saying he can't stop coughing. It usually ends up making more work for yourself I have found out, because when they are sick you have to cover for the work they are supposed to do.

To this guys credit that I know he does get sick a lot. He had pneumonia once and I don't think he can fake that. But how much do these people get sick because their mind tricks them into it?

One problem that I have run into though with these people who are in a position of authority is if they see someone they look over is looking sick they will send them home. And that is fine when your getting paid vacation and sick time, but if you work security like I do you don't get paid things like that and you still have to pay the bills.

I actually am still at my first job. I have worked different sites. This is the story of the first site I worked. I will have to start the story off with why I got the job in the first place though.

Monday- A few fun little things happened today. First thing in the morning I had to deal with 65 people. But after and hour and a half I got through with that.

But the cool thing was is that later in the day I had to review some video for something that supposedly has gone "missing" I didn't find what I was looking for, but what I did see is this guy dancing around like he was on dancing with the stars. Then he started to do the robot. I couldn't think of anything to brighten my day and if the tape was my property then it would be going to Americas Funniest Home videos right now.

The weirdest thing though was that my boss got a report that one of his guards was spending 8 hours talking with this one employee while on their shift. When we did a report on her to see if she was doing her rounds we found that the guard walked around more than any other guard during the weekend. So at one point this person was on their way out the door, but upon further review they get to stay. What appears to have happened is this employee must have gotten in trouble for not doing their job, and instead of growing a pair and fessing up that they are not doing a good job, they wanted to blame security instead.

Tuesday- Finally some action. We got a report of a raccoon walking around in the parking lot in broad daylight late in the afternoon. So we boogied out there and everyone was talking about it, but yet they couldn't tell us where it was at. We walked the entire parking lot and didn't find a damn thing. There is a case for a little mass hysteria. One person thinks they see something and everyone says they saw the same thing. Oh well it was fun looking for the little rascal.

Wednesday- This morning has been pretty slow. The weather is starting to change a little big which is awesome. I love the seasons. It's funny how right when you start to get tired of the weather the season starts to change. At least for me that's how it is. The only thing to talk about really this morning though is how my supervisor is going crazy about AIG and the stock market. You would think someone who has no money invested into anything would care so much about something that he can't control. I had the pleasure to listen to him talk and complain about it, for 8 HOURS. And probably all of today. He says we need to riot into the streets. Well I am right behind you.

Funny thing happened today at lunch. I was walking around and I see these two girls talking that I know. The one girl was saying that a manager asked her to lunch to say thanks for helping him out with some interviews that he had going on. I just started to laugh. And they turned to me and asked me what was so funny. I asked her if she really thought he was taking her out just to say thank you? She said yes why else would he ask me to go to lunch. I said well umm. never mind have a nice lunch, and walked away laughing.

Thursday- I found out that one of the girls that I work with is pregnant. She took like 3 tests and they all say the same thing, but she still doesn't believe it. But she is taking it really well for someone who wasn't planning on having a baby. But then again how often do you plan for one? I planned for one a little over a year ago and she is almost 4 months old now!!!

This mid morning I got to go put a sticker on someones car because they parked in the fire zone and left their vehicle there. It wasn't running, they had just left it. It was out there for a few hours before I went out there and tagged it. If they do it again then it gets towed.

Friday- Another report on a raccoon wandering around the parking lot. But again when we went out there it was gone. Apparently vanished again. I am starting to think they are just seeing a stray cat. Maybe it found a zorro mask.

One day right before I left for work I noticed this little dog walking along the sidewalk. I didn't really think nothing of it because I thought the owner was right around the corner since I noticed a collar on the pup. Well the dog noticed me and got right in front of the car and I got out and it went right to me. I waited around for like 5 minutes just petting him and waiting for an owner to show up.

Well I was already running late so I looked for an address on his collar and all I could find was a Banfield rabies tag. I notciced a ID number so I memorized that quickly. I then ran the pup into my backyard with my basset hound. After a quick meet and greet they seemed to be fine so I left him there. I called the Banfield closest to us and they couldn't help me, they were kind of rude to. So I called another one and they seemed to really care. They got me the name and say they would give the person a call.

I told her that they could give me a call. Not even 5 minuted later I get a call while I was at work and it was the little dogs owners. And they had lost the little guy and he was a ways from his home already. I told them that he is in my backyard and they can go ahead and pick him up. About 30 minutes later I get another call thanking me, so they went and got him. I thought that was pretty cool.

We got this idea from the movie Clerks when they were playing hockey on the roof. We were again still working nights at the time, but instead of hockey we wanted to play football. So we chose a holiday that none of the regular employees would be there for.

So we called some friends up on that day and when they coast was clear. Our supervisor actually showed up that day, which we weren't expecting. But as soon as he left we called on told our friends the coast was clear.

They still had a skeleton crew working so we had to sneak the guys past them to the roof access. So we get up there and play some awesome football. But one of the problems is it was getting late quick, but the big problem is whatever you touched on the roof it had white chalky stuff on it. I guess it has to do with protecting the roof. So the football started to turn white and then it would get on your hands.

It would already get on your shoes, but if you fell then half of your body would be white with chalky stuff. We had a couple of guys that looked like they had been dusted and was about to be served as french toast.

Problem for us though is since we worked there, we were going to have to spend the rest of our shift there looking the french toast. But the good news was that we won the game.

These are some fun work pranks to play on some unsuspecting victims at work, friends, and some people that have it coming to them.

10. The always classic. Put something sticky on their back. This could be any number of things. Ex. I put a sticker that said "heavy" on someone's back. They didn't realize it until about 4 hours later.

9. Bring in some cardboard boxes and use it to replace your co-workers office furniture. Take their chair and hide it somewhere else. Ex. We got into our bosses office once and put cardboard chairs in place of his usual chairs.

8. A very old school one. Clip together all of your co-workers paperclips, so when they go to get one all of them come out together. I have never tried this one. I do it to my own when I am bored though.

7. I have used this one a few times. It is more mean though. If you are dealing with someone you really don't like then depending on the color chair they are sitting in, you can pour some water in their chair. They won't see it until it is to late if the chair is dark enough. I did this to someone who wouldn't leave my girlfriend alone.

6. I have done this one a few times and had it done to me. Put something on their car. It can be a lot of fliers of their favorite team losing. Or you can tie things to their license plate. And of course find things that you can stick on the back of their car that they will never see until it is pointed out to them.

5. I have never done this one, but it is amusing if it works. Have the receptionist or secretary of your company write out a “While You Were Out” ticket. The caller’s name could be Mr. Bear or Mr. Lion. Have the receptionist write down that this person had a technical question. Let the phone number be to a local zoo. When your colleague calls, he will be calling the zoo and asking for Mr. Bear.

4. Another one that I haven't done, but I could see this working. There are two variations to this joke. Start to dim the brightness on their computer a little bit every day. They shouldn't notice it you do it very little at a time. Better one is when they leave their desk just turn the brightness all the way down. When the person comes back they won't be able to figure out what is wrong with their computer.

3. Get some fishing line and tie on end to the bottom of your coworkers chair. Then lead the line to where you can hide the line and tie it to something on his desk. Stapler, keyboard, anything really. What ends up happening is when your coworker pulls their chair out whatever you tie to it will fly off the desk. Hilarity will ensue.

2. This is one is old and very juvenile. Probably why I like it so much. Plus it is very easy. All you do is move your coworkers things around their desk every day. It will drive them nuts. Especially if they are VERY picky about where their stuff goes.

1. And my personal favorite. Get a paper cup and fill it up about halfway full of water. Then you put something thin over it. You take it and very carefully flip it over on your coworkers desk. You then take the cover off very carefully too. You leave it and watch the show. Your coworker will pick up the cup unaware of what is under it. Water will then go everywhere. I have used this one once and it is difficult to pull off, but it is well worth it.

Of course all these things can get you fired so be careful who, when, where you do these things.

Monday- Pretty boring today. We had a good conversation about how when you get married your love life suffers. But the time during engagement is great.

Tuesday- The owner of the company made a surprise visit today to see how everything was going on. Had to hit the hide from boss button on the computer F11.

Well darn I thought I was going to be lucky this week, but no such luck. We got an emergency call this afternoon and I had to be the first responder this time. We ended up having to call EMS this time as well. As soon as EMS arrived they strapped the individual in and transported them to the hospital. Sometimes they transport and other times they do. This one was serious enough for them to.

Wednesday- This morning something pretty funny happened. Stupid too. We had to put out cones in the parking lot so they could drop off a dumpster. Well one of the employees I guess thought that it was to much of an inconvenience to find a new place to park so she gets out and moves the cones and parks in between them. Pretty ballsy if you ask me. Ten minutes later we found the person and they had to move their vehicle. Some people...

Also I was told to find out who someone is, but had to do it on the down low. So I called on the guys I work with to find out the name, but don't let anyone know what your doing. After about 5 hours he comes back to me with a few names and their managers want emails on why we needed his name. I about back handed him. This is the blinking lights guy too.

Another Emergency Call. This one wasn't so bad though. There was not much we could do since the person went blind temporarily. Not much I can do for that. Maybe put my hand on their head and yell HEAL!!

Thursday- Not really much went on this day. A new guard came out to train and seems like another supercop wannabe. Luckily no emergency calls today.

Friday- I will update this throughout the day, but I got word my boss isn't going to be here today so I am going to try and sneak out early today.

This guy is a lot of guys that you might find in the office all rolled into one. To give you a little more background on him he is the type who thinks he is a super cop. Who always thinks he can tell people what to do because he has some type of a badge. This particular thing he did is funny and stupid at the same time.

What he wanted to do is put little blue and red LED lights in his hat. That way he can pull over people in the hallway. I will give you a moment now to reread what I just typed. :)

Well he started talking to this guy who is a real techie. And actually was able to hook em up. So picture this. You have a security guard walking down the hall making whoo whoo noises and have blinking lights on his hat trying to pull people over in the hallways. Plus they alternatively blinked. It was a pretty funny sight.

It lasted for about 2 weeks because so many people made fun on him.

This one took me awhile to remember it. But it served as one of the biggest learning experiences for me. I was working nights at the time. So me and my partner at the time were sitting at the front desk one night and we were pretty bored. The guy I was working started talking to housekeeping and telling them he need a beer. They all had a little bit of a laugh and went on their way.

A little later that night the head housekeeping guy started talking to the other guard about beer. Then they talked a little about tequila and other drinks. They probably talked for about 15 minutes. I not knowing a lot about alcohol at the time really didn't say anything, but since I was bored I to listened in.

They all laughed and told stories about themselves when they were out drinking and stuff like that, but it got even later and they had to finish up. Couple more hours and we were out of there anyways. So we finished the night and went home.

I got a call the next morning to come in early for work because they needed to talk with me. Me being new to the workforce didn't think anything of it. I got there and they had the owner of the security company, facilities manager, and my supervisor in a meeting room waiting for me. My partner was already in there. And he did not look happy.

They had me sit down with all eyes on me and my buddy. The facilities manager started and said "So you think it is funny to call Mexicans drunks?" I was like WTF? Apparently the head guy of housekeeping called the facilities manager and told him that BOTH of us were just sitting there calling them drunks and that all Hispanic people were alcoholics. I first started by trying to tell them I didn't even say anything into the conversation. Then I get told that I was the one who started the entire conversation.

At this point I said whatever what happens now. I am told I am getting written up and not to talk to housekeeping again. I tell them no problem with that. What ended up happening is that a rift between us and housekeeping started into this little war thing that we couldn't win because the main guy was going to back up housekeeping no matter what. We figured this out pretty quick though. But like I said I learned a very important thing that day. Be careful who you talk to, and the truth doesn't mean shit in the corporate setting.

What's even funnier though is we started getting blamed and written up because supposedly we were throwing toilet paper and trash all over the site, and making them clean it up. I swear to everyone that never happened because I respect all people, until they lose it. It really did become a big joke though, just because we would get called into the office and we would laugh and think of what was going to happen next.

The funniest thing happened late Thursday. I will need to explain it though to understand the hilarity of it.

So we all have our work email. And you always have that email address that will send a email to everyone that works on-site. And everyone always tells you never ever send a email to that address. Well the place I work served free ice cream to everyone today and let them know by sending out that email telling everyone.

It wasn't 10 minutes later when someone had sent a reply back thanking them for the ice cream. Which in turn went to every employee. When we got that one we kinda laughed, but said oh crap that person is in trouble. But then we got another one and another one. We got about 30 emails from different people before managers started sending out replies telling people to stop sending out emails because it was going to everyone. And the emails were just saying I like Ice cream and hmm ice cream was good.

After the managers starting sending out emails which was about another 5 or so emails then we got an email of someone trying to argue with that manager. Now you have to remember that every employee is reading these. And there is over 1500 employees at this site. Then after it was all said and done with, or so we thought, we got one more email saying that he hates ice cream and everything it stands for. I'm rolling the entire time, but when I read that last one I knew I would be walking someone out of the door by the end of today.

If you have ever worked in a corporate environment you will understand why this is funny.

I had Monday off for labor day this week. And I will tell you what. For the first 3 years I worked here I had to work holidays no matter what. You couldn't even ask for the day off. But what I have to say is that everyone needs a day off every now and then. Weekends are great and most people couldn't live without them. I know since I am one of them. But having to work Thanksgiving and Christmas for years without being able to spend time with your family sucks. I spent the day playing video games with my son and actually got some yard work done as well.
Of course it is always hard coming back to work after a three day weekend.
Nothing else interesting really happened so far which is quite odd, but I consider myself lucky. So Far. As you can probably tell from reading these if you are keeping up I work security. And there is a post that we call the command post where all the cameras and things are at. I spent about an hour there this morning and I have to say it is the nastiest place on this entire site. There is food all over the place. Some of it is probably back from last year. Spills that have never been cleaned up stuck to the floor. Well at least I'm hoping that is why the floor is sticky.
A few more things for today I will add since they just happened. We had an another EMS call today which I jinxed myself. I actually feel bad for the guy though, this is the third time we have had to call EMS for him. I didn't have to deal with him directly this time. I had to go wave down the emergency vehicles that were coming on-site.
And for the light moment of the week. A individual walked in the door and asked me where HR was. I said they are next door. And she replies "Oh that door opens?"
In the words of Bill Engvall. "here's your sign"

          It has been a few days since I have posted about what is going on around this place I like to call hell. :) A few weeks ago I got in trouble for going to a supervisor and talking to him about one of my problems. I went to this guy because he told me his door was always open and if I needed anything to feel free to confide in him. I should of taken this as a hint that he was lieing through his teeth.
           But with my trusting nature I go up there to tell him my problem. He tells me don't worry about it and nothing bad will happen. This is my second clue that I am in for an ass chewing. But I still go about my day thinking everything is lovely. Late in the day my direct supervisor gets a call on the radio to give this guy a call. For some reason I had a feeling it was about me.
             About 30 minutes later my direct boss walks in and tells me we need to talk. I said Ah Damn I already know what I did wrong. And of course I got was read the riot act and told me never to talk to this person again, but it is what it is. I learned a very valuable lesson though. No one cares about your problems and people lie through their teeth in business. LOL Also always use your chain of command. I did mess up there. I guess I am lucky I still have a job though with the economy the way it is.
           Anyways a few weeks have gone by and that certain supervisor is still trying to come in and act like nothing happened and trying to act like my best friend. Mixed messages are the best!
            My advice to everyone though if you don't already know is keep your head down until the time is absolutley right.It's never fun to get chewed out, but it always teaches you something. Whether you did something wrong or you learn something about someone that you didn't know before.

We all know him, and some of us have the "pleasure" of working for him. He is the Micro Manager. I personally had to deal with one for the first 3 years of me being on the job force. He is the guy that worries more about the little things that don't really matter in the big picture versus the things that really matter. Having dealt with one myself I can tell you this is one of the worst things having to deal with in any kind of business. And I am sure they do good work sometimes, but its rare and far in-between.
From what I had to deal with for 3 years was torture. This guy was different in every other way to begin with, but micro managing was him to the T. He would worry more about making sure every conference room and the correct amount of chairs instead of worrying about shit walking out of the door. I don't know about all of them, but this guy. If you tried to go above and beyond or just try to help, you would get your ass in a sling. All you could do was grin and bear it. He would even go into other departments and try to control them.
Again every workplace is different and maybe some places need people like him. But it is hell to work for them. All you can do is laugh at him because they go crazy over the littlest things. That's how I made it through that trying time when I had to make sure that my shoes were tied properly and I was walking around in the right direction. Yeah he was that bad.
What is everyone else stories about their favorite Micro Managing type person?