Office Pranks, Office Humor, and Office Stories - One Crazy Office

Monday- One of the guards walked up to some employees that he didn't know and started to talk like Apu from the Simpsons. One of the people was a VP from India. He was not amused.

Tuesday- I walk in to find this guard put his name on everything that he "thinks" belongs to him in the office. Like the file cabinets. He puts all his food in there and doesn't want anyone to take any of it. I have already taken the locks off of it, but now he is trying to duct tape it shut.

Wednesday- We got a report of someone "missing" in the bathroom. I went in there to check it out with housekeeping. It was freaking disgusting. You think people after the age of 20 would know how to use a toilet. Especially at the office.

Thursday- It was my bosses birthday today, and I never get him anything since I don't like him, but I thought of this good prank while I was going through some ads in my mail. So I wrapped it and took it to him. He had turned 49, and the prank present I gave him was a dollar off Depends Adult Diapers. He was not amuse by my office prank.

Friday- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! We couldn't do anything in the office this year for halloween because our big boss didn't want us to go to hell. I'm not lieing. That is what he told us. Oh well...

As I alluded to in part one this is the story of an incident that occurred between me and what I like to call the Greek warrior. This also happened one night when the site manager was on site and down the hall for this entire thing.

It all happened one night when me and my coworker were waiting to get off of work. Part of our tradition was to go out to eat somewhere or go get into trouble outside of work. Well my coworkers relief was late one night so I had to wait in the front lobby where the post was at the time. Problem is the Greek warrior was right there as well.

He started telling me to leave go home. I told him I am fine right where I am at and I will be gone as soon as both reliefs are here. And then he said it. This 60 something year old little punk gone and did it. He said well can't you wait for your boyfriend in the parking lot.

I got up and moved towards him and said what did you just say to me. And he replies you heard me. You are staying after you have been relieved so you can spend more time with your boyfriend. I responded by saying "well we are going to the strip club to see your wife and we want to save on gas so we are taking one car."

Well that went over like a lead balloon. But before anything else was said the other guard showed up for his shift. So he showed up and we got quiet and we started to leave. Well as we were walking out right before we left I heard the Greek warrior call me a loser. So I yell down the hall "WTF did you just call me" Again not blinking an eye he said I called you a loser. I threw down my bag and started walking towards him.

He was kind enough to meet me halfway and we bumped chests. I told him I was going to whoop his ass all over this site if he had one other thing to say to me. But my coworker friend grabbed and and held me back because I started to lunge at him. The guy realized I wasn't playing around and that I was ready to really fight, not just argue around.

So he started to back off and my coworker started to lead me to the back door. We had started to gather a crowd around too so we knew it was best to leave soon. Plus we didn't know if the site manager was still on site and if he had heard us.

But me being an 18 year old kid always had to have the last word I turned around and at the top of my voice yelled two words that still echo down the halls on some quiet nights. Those two words ended up being F YOU! But I said the real words of course. My friend just busted out laughing and pulled me outside. And the look on that guy was priceless.

Fortunately though the site manager never heard anything of what went down. Which we all thought he would have to be a deaf man to not of heard it, but we thought it best not to ask about it.

Everyone that works at an office knows that you have to be careful of what you look at or put on your office computer. So what happens when you get fired from that office and your computer goes to someone else. What then happens if that computer had files that you wouldn’t want anyone else in the office to see?

Well that happened to a supervisor of mine. He had left the office for another job. I took over for him in most of his duties so he was training me for his last week. Well he showed me everything and during the down time he was going through his computer and cleaning out most of the files he had downloaded and things like that.

Well after he left we had a lot of security files on that computer so we couldn’t do a clean install. I just had to work with what was on there, and delete things as I came across them. Well I was going through the computer one day and came across these photos that didn’t have a name on them.

I open them up and what do I see? I see some nude photos of the supervisor’s wife!! I must have to say that she wasn’t that bad looking either. She was like 20 years younger than my supervisor too so that helped.

Now I had two choices on what I could have done. I could have deleted the photos and not said a word to anybody, or I could send them to everyone in the office that knew him. Well being the upstanding person I am, I did the most upright thing I could think of. I pick and chose some people in the office to send the photos to. Which included our big boss who also went to church with them.

Everyone I sent the email to at the office appreciated that I took the time and thought to send the photo to them in the first place. It has been a year and a half now and I still haven’t deleted the photos from the computer and he has never called either so I can only guess that everyone in the office kept their mouth shut about it.

This guy was the ultimate super cop. This will be a two part story. 1st part will tell you about him and some little stories and the 2nd one will be the one big incident that occurred between the two of us.

He was the 3rd shift guard when I first was put out on this site. I have heard horror stories about him, but never experienced any for myself. I learned very quickly that the stories were not exaggerated. This guy was so meticulous that it would take him 2 hours to do a patrol that most would do in 15 minutes.

My first night I met him and he was 5 minutes late too. So I am thinking whatever I am out of here and told him there was nothing to pass down. Well not only did he want to know every minute of what happened during my shift he wanted to show me things that had nothing to do with security. But he would keep me there 30-45 minutes after my shift ended, and you just couldn't tell him, hey man I am going home. He would follow you outside and get in your way, talking the entire time.

He would show me coffee pots that looked unsecured and that we had secure them. I smiled and asked him how to do that. He of course ignored and and went on to his next eccentric rant about light bulbs or something like that.

One little fun story was when we still had the patrol car on site he would drive it around the parking lot. At the time the road beyond the parking lot was a speed trap and this guy would see the cops out there hiding and trying to catch people. Well what he would do is park across the street from them and think he was helping them out. He would say that he was a cop those nights because he was with them. Until they would ask him to leave because he was giving up there position.

And as you can imagine with all guards who have that super cop mentality they tend to go off the reservation even when the smallest offense was made. Which I guess we were lucky because he worked nights, but he still would go crazy. If someone stepped out of line in any way he would run them down yelling at them the entire time.

He would end up leaving the site because after the move he couldn't stand the supervisor Sgt Retodd so he left to go to another site within the company. But there was one incident between me and him that would change everything forever and would give me the reputation and as a hothead.

Monday- One of my supervisors walked in this afternoon and he was singing a song that I never thought I would hear him singing. He came in singing "I know what boys like, I know what guys want"

Tuesday- Another emergency call. This one girl threw her back out. It was not a fun. I was the one putting her in a wheel chair and had to wheel her out the building.

Wednesday- And yet again another emergency call. This time the guy was saying he was having flashbacks of when he had high blood pressure. Not sure what that means, but we ended up having to call EMS for him. He did end up having real high blood pressure, but he didn't want to be transported. So they left him and we thought he was going to go to the hospital or something like that. Nope he went back to work.

Thursday- I went to the restroom at the office and another guard that I don't like saw me and started talking to me. Well he was in a stall and kept on talking while he was going to the bathroom. Hey whats (fart) going on (plop). Did you(Fart) here about(plop, plop,plop) so and so. I just walked out.

Friday- The guy in the command center was having to watch a door in the office that wasn't working and our supervisor asked him how it was going. And on the radio where 30 people and anyone near those people could hear he said. "everything looks to be OK no terrorists or people in turbans walking through the door."

This is a little amusing story. We have to work holidays no matter what. But the good thing about it is none of the regular employees that work there will be there. They will be celebrating with their families, while we find trouble.

This one happened the 4th of July 2006. Me and the other guard were relaxing on the roof waiting for fireworks around the city. We were going to have some of the best seats in the city. Well we didn't know how true that really was.

While we were waiting that night for the fireworks to start we noticed some fireworks going off pretty close to the building we were supposed to be watching. So we moved to that side of the building and observed a family shooting fireworks in the woods nearby the site. It was kinda cool just the normal little things that most people get.

Of course some of the people working the skeleton crew started to complain. We made the post phone forward calls to our cell phone that way they wouldn't know we were away. And we let them know there was nothing we can do about it since it is not on our property.

Well it started getting late and the family started shooting off bottle rockets. Problem is during July it is very hot and dry for us. One of the rockets or roman candles hit a pile of brush and the whole thing went up in flames QUICK. And we got to see the whole thing front row center.

The fire department and cops arrived very quickly to put out the flame and fine the family for shooting off the fireworks. We had to run downstairs though just in case someone showed up asking about the fire. Which did happen and we had to write up a incident report that showed what we were doing at the time. We came up with some story and it stuck thankfully. But we still got to watch some fireworks that night.

This was the first time EVER that I had to work with anybody instead of just being by myself. But when I met him he seemed like a cool older guy(which he was). We got along just fine and we both did our jobs. He had some really fun stories about when he used to drive taxi's. It was just like taxicab confessions.

But this was also the first time I had to deal with a incident that didn't include me. The day before the incident there was a temporary worker that supposedly went into the restroom when a female housekeeper was cleaning it. He saw he and smiled and again "supposedly" just whipped it out and started to go in the urinal that she was right next to.

Well what ended up happening is that the guy came back. And I didn't really know what to do since I hadn't been trained in what to do. But I knew he shouldn't of been on site because he was let go. But before I could say anything my partner spoke up and asked him what he needed. And the guy responded that he needed to go talk to his manager about his employment status.

The guard actually lets him go. And the guy walks to the back and into one of the hallways. I didn't say anything because I didn't know their procedure on things like that. Well my common sense ended up being right because not 5 minutes later someone ran out of that hallway saying their was a fight happening.

I was thinking CRAP. Well I run back there and my older partner kinda wobbles. I get back there and they are going at it. Well I jump right in there like a idiot and break them up. But I was lucky though. I think the guy saw the uniform and badge and stopped immediately. I tell he guy he has to leave now unless the manager wants to call the cops. He manager says no and tells the guy he has to go.

The manager had told me that he came back there and told him that he only uses the stall because he is shy about using the urinal. And I don't know how it escalated from there, but it happened. Then the girl who ran to us and told us about the fight asked us how he got into the building. I wasn't about to tell them the truth. I thought I would be fired as well. The older guard stumbled a little bit, and the story he came up with was horrible and you could easily tell that he was lying, but you couldn't prove it.

He said that the guy said he forgot his badge, but it was in the training room and if he could go get it. I ended up calling the facilities manager and told him our "version" of what had happened. I had to write up a incident report and omit no detail. What ended up happening the older guard got put on notice because they knew he was lying to. Which he would end up retiring anyways within a month.

It was then that I met the guy that I would end up getting in more trouble with than everyone else I knew combined and proved to be the golden years of my youth.

Monday- We had a guard come in sick this morning. And wanted to go home. I thought I heard every excuse in the book, but this one took the cake. He told us that he had some queso last night and he forgot that he was lactose intolerant.

Tuesday- We had HR come into the office this morning and ask security if the ambulance and other emergency vehicles can not use their sirens when they are coming on-site, so that it won't cause a distraction.

Wednesday- I got my xbox 360 back in the mail today. The only reason I mention it here is because I had it sent to the office since someone had to sign for it. It had the red ring of death on it, but it only took them a week to repair it and send it back.

Thursday- This girl walks in looking for something. And I told her I could help her and I said her name. Well she started freaking out, and was demanding to know how I knew her name. I told her because she was wearing a name tag. But still why have that reaction? I don't think I look like a stalker.

Friday- We had a guard call us to run a plate because they were parked in the handicap parking with a expired handicap sticker. So we found out how it was and the guard sent her an email just as a reminder to get is updated. He got an email back of her just going off on him. Cussing him out and everything. WOW but better him than me right? :)

This is a prank that we played on some coworkers friends way back in the day. Sometime in 2005 to be exact. It all started when these two girls that worked on the site we were at as contractors. They would put fun little office pranks and stuff on our car. No big deal it was funny, but we never had a chance to pay them back for the pranks because we worked nights and they worked days. We only had a few hours overlap to even get to know them.

So one day we thought it would be a good idea if we followed one of them home. So I had the other guy cover for me and waited for her to leave. I followed her to her apartments. I got back to work and we decided that was where we were going to make our move.

We got off at midnight and went to walmart to find something that we could put on her car. Well we got distracted in the fishing and hunting section. BUT while we were there we found those live baits, but they are already dead. Mostly used for cat fishing for those who don't know. Anyways we found these little fishes that were already dead and resembled anchovies but were a lot wider.

We bought those not sure what we intended to do with them. It was on a Friday night already so we weren't even sure that her vehicle was still going to be there. Luck would have it that we found her car in the parking lot where no one was around. Of course we had to be careful so no one saw us and called the cops on us.

What we ended up doing after making sure the coast was clear was putting those damn things everywhere on her car. We made her radio antennae look like a shish-ca-bob. We taped them under her door handles. Clipped them on her window wipers. through some into her muffler so the smell would get around. Put some inside her tires so her car would smell and she wouldn't be able to find them. Put them on her hood, roof, pretty much EVERYWHERE.

Just as we finished up we saw a car pull into the apartments and turn our way. We took off and ran into my coworkers truck before they could see us. It ended up being both girls. Apparently they had gone out and she was being dropped off. So we thought it would be funny to walk right by them like no big deal and say god evening to them. They knew something was up as soon as they saw us in the distance. She ran right to her car cursing, yelling and laughing. Thankfully.

The following Monday she was telling us everything she cleaned. She missed a few places, but we though it best not to say anything. I still consider it an office prank though since it was a prank on someone who works at the office.

This was when I finally got put out at the corporate site.

So I had finished my training in April. I thought I was ready to get some real work since I was working at some parking lot at the time. But no I never got the call. What finally saved me was that the office was moving and needed a extra guard at the new site. So since they didn't have anybody I finally got my chance.

And I tell you what. My first night there was scary for me. I had never been in a place like that and I was by myself at night. What it was, was there was three buildings, two stories each with nothing in them. And no lights. The place was huge. I think the majority of my first night was spent at the front desk since that was the only place that had any lights. They didn't even give us a flashlight yet.

But after a few weeks I got over it and it was no big deal other than one building that I still had a problem with. Which is a fun story for the future. Anyways they had started to move furniture in starting to get it ready for the move. I was lucky because Sgt. Retodd wasn't at the site yet. But he came very soon after that.

After they had moved everybody in I had to only deal with him a few hours out of the day, because he left the second the clock turned 5. I had to show up around 3:30. But as soon as the old offices were complete then they had a dilemma. What do we do with the extra guards? So they had a meeting between the owners of the security company, the two on-site supervisors, and the client.

The only reason I know what went on during that meeting is because the client and the owners both told me so I could be aware of the situation. As you know by now as well is that I am the owners son. One of the main reasons why Sgt Retodd doesn't like me. Well they started talking about business and how security is going to be handled in the new buildings now.

Then they got to the part where some of the security guards were going to have to go. And Sgt. Retodd without a moments hesitation blurted out my name. And silenced followed. They asked him if there was any main reason why he wanted me out so bad, because they had thought I did a good job so far. He didn't say one word. But the client then made this comment." It is pretty ballsy of you to blurt out the owners son as the first person to be fired"

As you can tell I wasn't fired. And they ended up not firing anybody, because a few people fell out and others found other jobs. In fact they were short handed pretty quickly after we got started. So I was able to keep my job working nights which was fine with me. Only problem now is I had other guards working there now.

Monday- Even more new hires, but Later in the day we had this ex employee try to get into the building. Well he actually got in. We had to chase him down, and when we caught him he told us that he didn't know he was fired. We asked him then why did he run? We escorted him right back out the door.

Tuesday- We had a first today. Everyone here has to wear a ID card. Well this employee says she didn't have hers because it flew away. You know how girls will get their dress caught in their car. Well apparently she had her badge caught up and when she got on the highway it flew away.

Wednesday- Now you have to remember I work at a corporate site where appearance is everything. Well we get a call about someone is in the trees. I go out there and these new hires are climbing trees because they want to be cool. I said OK Joe Cool it's time to come down now.

Thursday- Got a call about two employees throwing a tennis ball in the parking lot and the ball was bouncing off cars. I went out there and told them to stop and that they were responsible for any damage done. I know if that was my car I would be beating some people down right now.

Friday-Apparently some employee at the office called 911 and then hung up on them. So we had these cops show up and tell us that they got an emergency call from this site. We told them that we knew nothing about it, and if they had a number where we could trace it to who it was. But they only had the office number, but no extension meaning that they called from their office line. I was thinking though these people have better things to do than to answer prank phone calls for emergencies.

This is about my first ever supervisor when I entered the job force at the age of 18. This guy was something else to say the least. If I could only come up with one word to describe him and I had to watch my mouth would be overbearing to say the least.

When I first met the guy I was put out at his site for 4 hours of training. He took one look at me and gave me a look of disgust. He was supposed to train me, but didn't want to waste him time apparently so he put me with one of the other guards working there at the time. I was then introduced to the other supervisor on site and also gave me a nice warm welcome look that reminded me of a boxers face after getting knocked out.

I was thinking wow with guys like these it was no wonder they could keep anybody here. It was a well known fact that there was a lot of turnover at this site. So I did about 3 hours of my training and I met the facilities manager (who I will come to find out later as the devil himself). Who instantly started quizzing me and expected me to know the entire 4 buildings inside and out by the time I was through with my training.

I failed that test, but not as bad as you would think. It did end up taking me quite awhile before I knew the buildings though. So anyways after 3 hours the main supervisor who was a sgt. in the eyes of the security company that I was working for, got a hold of me and we took a lot. During this walk I was grilled with questions like, How much do you make?, and I don't think your gonna work out here.

But for about the last 30 min or so I was put with another guy who seemed to have the same distaste for the sgt. as I already had. He ended up telling me not to worry about him and that everyone hated him. I said thank god I though I was the only one. So I finished up my training only to be told that they would call me when they needed me to work. I thought they already had a spot for me, but I had to wait another 4 months before I was actually handed a spot out at that sight. Even though I did some spot duty out there in between those times.

The great news about my training though is that I met my current wife that day and didn't even know it. So all in all it was a great first day.

This was a very interesting place to work. I actually never met anyone that worked here because I would only work nights or weekends. I worked this site for a total of probably 80 hours maybe. And 30 something of those hours came from one weekend.

This place was a manufacturing plant. I still don't know what they made though. They could of made blow up dolls for I know. I would of worked there more, but the current supervisor at the time knew who I was and would not schedule me out there unless he absolutely HAD to. Which was fine with me. It was the first site though that I worked an overnight shift on.

I was the only person looking over 4 or 5 full warehouses. That sucked big time!! And I couldn't just sit at my post all night because there was a camera right on the post with another guard constantly watching. Which was kinda creepy anyways. The place smelled funny and there was one area that always and I mean ALWAYS smelled like burnt popcorn.

Anyways I thought that I was going to be put out at that corporate site anyways, but they put me out at the parking lot. And every now and then I would be at this place. Until the supervisor found out that I had a different license that he didn't have. I had become a Private Investigator. He got so jealous that I NEVER heard from him again to work that site. He would also become a PI because he complained and complained to the owners of the company so much that they would end up making him one as well. Even though he still has never been on a case to date.

Plus I would get one of my good friends a job at the security company I worked for and they ended up putting him at that site. So we would occasionally show up when he was on duty to give him some grief, which was always fun.

Monday- I had another 30 new hires that I had to deal with, but the interesting note of the day is we got 5 calls this morning to the emergency line. When this line is called we are ready to go, and not one of them was an emergency. They were calling for the sick line or directory assistance which we don't do.

Tuesday- Nothing much happened today. Someone called the emergency line again. And the guard answered it like their personal phone. The guy hung up and then called back and then asked for the emergency line.

Wednesday- Great I had to stand by a open door ALL DAY LONG. They need a guard there for some reason. So I got to spend 8 hours staring at nothing.

Thursday- Ever feel like you want to punch your boss square in the face. That's how I am feeling today. I can just imagine it. Everybody would be cheering for me, while I am being thrown out the door.

Friday- Someone walked out of an emergency exit door this morning. And when I got their to turn off the alarm there was a manager standing there. I turned off the alarm and the manager asked if we could get a sign that says do not walk out this door. I look at the door which said EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY. I told her that I would think people would figure it out by now with the this sign here. I got the dirtiest look in the world, but you know what. You ask a stupid question, then you get a stupid answer.

I didn't know what to name this guy so maybe you guys can help me. Let me tell you everything that this guy does. He is the guy who brings his entire refrigerator to work pretty much. It take him multiple trips to bring in all his food for the day. Even though he doesn't eat much of it.

He also drinks about 6 energy drinks a day so he is always bouncing off the walls. Even though it says on the label of Monster that it is no recommended to drink more than 3 a day. So now we have a guy that brings in enough food for Armageddon and is hopped up on energy drinks. He also works in the command center for us so he is in a close space.

Now what he does is so peculiar that when corporate comes out they think he is insane. I just think it is funny. He puts napkins EVERYWHERE. and little pieces of paper too. It covers the entire workspace and monitors that are in there. I guess that napkins are for if he doesn't spill anything, and the paper is there for if he thinks of something and he has to write it down right then and there.

So now we are dealing with someone who brings in enough food for Armageddon, and he drinks energy drinks all day long. He is also in a closed space during the times of energy boostfulness. Who also puts down enough paper and napkins all over the place you would think he is redecorating and didn't want to get paint everywhere. What would you call that guy?