Office Pranks, Office Humor, and Office Stories - One Crazy Office

This is one thing that I have never done, but I know someone who has. I know they have because I went up to the roof one day to see this guy sprawled out on the roof of work sunbathing in his birthday suit. And Apparently more than one person knew that this person did that.

It all started when I first started working at this corporate site. I met all the VIP people that I would have to talk to if certain problems arose. Well they introduced me to the building engineer and if anything for any reason goes wrong with the building he was the guy I was to talk to.

Well after a few weeks of working there I started to wonder around and see where everything was for myself since no one told me where anything was at. Well I would find these small storage rooms underneath the stairs in all the buildings. These were the emergency stairs so it wasn't the main set of stairs that the employees would use.

Usually I would find light bulbs and things of that nature, but in one of them I found a fold out beach chair, lotion, and some other stuff of that nature. I thought it was very odd, but I didn't say anything. I just went along my way.

A few days after that I found the roof access doors in the buildings, but I didn't go up there because I didn't know if I had authority to go up there. So one day I asked about the doors and to see if there was anything up there that I needed to check out on my rounds. They told me No to my disappointment, but they did say feel free to go up there and check things out, just be careful.

I actually forgot about it for a week or two, but it was really slow one day and I was trying to find things to do. So then I remember "Hey I can go up there and look around" So I went to the access point only to find that the door leading up to the roof was already open. I thought that, that was very strange and now it was a good thing I wanted to check it out because something might be going down.

So I move up the stairs very slowly looking all around me alert of any sound that I heard. As soon as my head hit the air I noticed the chair that was in the storage room. So I quickly hide and listen for any sounds. I don't hear anything, so I slowly peek over and what I see is something I never thought I would see.

I see the building engineer sunbathing naked in the lawn chair. I choke back my gag reflex and sneak back downstairs. Never to tell another soul until now. Hey...Wait. Forget What you just read.

But about a year later I apparently am not the only person to see this. Because a few other facilities type people were talking one day about how the building engineer will go and sunbath on the roof, but no one said anything about him being naked.

This is a funny story, but it would be hilarious if you were there. Ever see security guards twirling their keys around? And if you have, have you ever thought what would happen if they hit themselves with it. Well It has happened to me a few times.

As a guard I would be so bored I would walk around while twirling my keys around for something else to do. And I have hit my self a few times when I quit paying attention to it or the chain goes to long and gets out of control or if I start to swing the keys to hard.

We had a butt load of keys too. A lot of them were unnecessary. But our key chain was full of them even though we used like 3 or 4 of them. So me and the other guard at the time was walking around and trying to see who could go the longest without screwing up.

I was losing because I kept hitting myself. And that hurts!!! But it was fun since there was nothing else to do and it's always funny to see a friend hurt themselves.

Well my friend got a little to cocky and said watch this. He whipped those keys around has hard as he could. And as soon as those keys came back up they hit him square in the face. And that dude dropped like a sack of potatoes.

I started to laugh my ass off. I was laughing so hard and he was moaning so loud we started to cause a scene because the people working there started looking over their cubicles to see what the commotion was.

He ended up having a broken nose. I still laughed.

Another little funny story happened while I was on days. What had happened was when shift change was taking place one of the guards was sweating ALOT. And when he was questioned about it he simply replied. "Oh I am trying to get into shape so I spent the night running around the site." And you know what. I wouldn't of believed it, if I hadn't seen it myself. It was one of the funniest things, but you couldn't laugh about it right then while he was standing there.

And he got to keep his job too.

Having sex at work. A part of the American dream for some people. I have had the opportunity of walking in to a couple of people doing the dirty at work. I was still working nights and would have to check doors and make sure everything is secure so I would stumble into some of these people trying to have a little fun at work.

The first instance of such was one time we got a report of this one couple messing around in the break room real late at night. The tip came from housekeeping who has accidentally walked into the room a couple of times while they were in there. When we got the tip I had housekeeping actually show me where they had found them. Well when we walked in the break room the couple that they were talking about was actually halfway into it behind a Yao Ming Poster. No Lie. His pants were down and her shirt was off. They saw us and freaked out.

But still I know Yao Ming is tall, but come on. It was funny as hell watching that guy try to run, but since his pants were down he tripped. The girl who was very cute by the way covered up and ran out the door. The housekeeping guy and I were in shock and didn't move. The guy finally got his pants up and walked out the door. The next day I had to find out the names of the individual. I ended up getting the names, but never turned them in. I think the guy is a big manager now within the company. They both still work here though 4 years later.

The second instance was MUCH MUCH more memorable if you can believe that. We were still just starting out and they had handed us a new duty. Every night about 11 P.M. we had to check the showers in the fitness center to make sure that no one passed out and everything was safe and secure.

Well one night we were doing our rounds and we walked into the fitness center and no one was in there at the time so we checked the Men's showers and everything was clear. When we went into the woman's showers we would always yell Hello!! and Anyone in here!! We didn't hear any response, but heard a shower going. This used to scare us a little bit until we had done this a few times and learned that a lot of people would just leave the shower on after they were done.

So not thinking anything of it we walked in and there it was. we had two girls going at it. No clothes no nothing just going to town on each other. They looked at us and we just stared at them. After a few moments we slowly turned around and walked out of the door. After we got out of ear shot we started whooping and hollering. We never found out the girls names though. One looked familiar though.

That was one of the best nights I ever had working as a guard LOL. We have also had quite a few people trying to get down in the parking lot, but that really hasn't happened that often while I worked nights because we had to patrol outside once an hour.

The 2ND site I worked at though. There was reports that prostitutes would use that parking lot area to bring take their business after getting picked up. Some guys I knew supposedly caught a few of them and called the cops, but I was never there for anything like that.

You would think half of the things I did I should of gotten fired for, but never got caught so it never was a issue. But our supervisor at the time Sgt. Retodd hated me and my coworker and always was trying to get us into trouble or fired. Well one night he finally got us, but it was BS anyways.

We would eat our dinner in the break room. DUH right. Well wrong. I had been working at the site a few months and would always eat my dinner in the break room like everyone else. But since it was at night no one else was in there usually. I would have a few people come in and out for coffee, but nobody stayed to long in there.

So they have these TVs in all the break rooms. And they are always on. The employees will watch TV while eating lunch during their lunch breaks or coffee breaks. No big deal. Well one day I walk into work and get called into Sgt Retodds office. I was like great now what. I get in there and there is this write-up form on his desk with my name on it. No I have done a lot of things in my short time here, but what I read on there was a lie and never happened.

Supposedly this one employee came in and saw me LAYING ON THE GROUND WITH THE LIGHTS TURNED OFF, AND I WAS WATCHING TV. I got pissed fast! We got into a arguing match and he ended up calling the facilities manager. At this time the facilities manager liked me and I hadn't got on his bad side yet. So he walked in there and the sarge told me "what I had done" He told my supervisor "yeah an they are allowed to eat in the break room. So what if the TV is on"

So he got into this story about the lights being off and me lying on the ground watching TV. Which was bull from the start and I called him out on it. But they told me since he is the supervisor I have to do what he tells. I was seeing red and didn't give a shit so I signed the damn write up and left.

Later that night I snuck into the supervisors office because I wanted to read the employees complaint. I found it and not only was there nothing about laying down, there was nothing about laying down. All it said was this guy observed me in the break room watching TV, but I was eating food. He didn't know if that was OK or not.

I pointed this out the next day to the facilities manager and he said just let it go.

Ahh the wonder of Myspace. I had a myspace when me and and girlfriend(who I also worked with) at the time moved in together. That already pissed off a lot of people. But anyways I would do the most peculiar thing. When we would get in a fight I would go an add all these girls that were half dressed. I knew they would add me because most of them were fake profiles anyways. I also knew my girlfriend would see it and piss her off even more.

But it came to a point where I canceled that account and me and her made a new one. Together. So we added some pics of us to this brand new profile and we had just had a baby too, so we added pics of him. And then when it came to adding friends we didn't add anyone from work because it was none of their business and since they all had a problem with us at the time then they didn't need to be our friends. But we left it open to where it wasn't private.

While we were setting up our brand spanking new profile it said what kind of movies do you like. I made a joke saying Disney and Porn. Since we are a couple and we just had a kid. It was was a joke of course, but it was funny to us so we added it in there not thinking anything of it.

Well these two girls that worked at the same place found our profile in about a week and took it to my big boss. The Facilities Manager. He called me in and I was again surrounded by the owner of the security company, my supervisor, and the facilities manager. I was asked to take a seat so I did.

He said so do you have a myspace profile? I responded Yes, but I don't get on it at work. He said well it has come to my attention that you have made one with another employee that works here. I said yeah and what about it. He responded by saying well we don't think it is a good idea that you do that. And a couple people have complained that you have disney and porn movies together is that true? " Yeah it is true, It is called a joke" Well he didn't like that to much and apparentley there was a rumor now that we are pedophiles. I was like Whatever dude it has nothing to do with work. it doesn't say where we work, we don't get on it at work. So there is nothing you can do about it.

Well he ended up talking shit for almost an hour and I ended up getting written up for something like talking about work, off hours and having porn in the same thing. It was crazy. Because he said that the profile contained information like where we worked on our profile. I said no it doesn't prove it. And of course I was right, but never the less. He ended up getting my girlfriend to cancel it though because he was going to fire me. And since the state I work in is a hire and fire at will state and I am a contractor there was nothing I could do about it.

Now every word of this story is true. And I know a lot of people say they have the worse boss in the world, but you will soon find out within time that this guy deserves his own spot in Hell.

This happened awhile ago, but it is still very amusing and shocking story that I tell all the other security guards when we are training them how to keep their cool when some idiot wants to run their mouth off.

I was actually working days at the time. Probably for about 2 or 3 months at the time so it was still pretty new experience for me. They were starting to crack down on employees not badging into the building when they were coming on site. Since the site I was working at, at the time was badge access to enter the building.

So the managers and powers to be made this new policy that all employees must badge in to enter the building. And security had to enforce it. One of the main problems though was that the some of the managers didn't pass it down to their people. I guess they were just supposed to know by reading everyone Else's mind. Didn't send a memo or anything. Some managers did do what they were supposed to though.

So when we started having to enforce it people were asking why? You felt like saying because I said so. But you would just tell them that it was a new policy and from here on out they had to abide by the new rule. Which I personally agree with because it shows if someone gets in the building who is not supposed to be in here like a ex employee or something.

Well I had to deal with a few unruly people, but nothing that bad. Some complained because they had to walk and extra 2 feet and hold up their badge to a reader. Some even cursed under their breath, but whatever.

Then the fun really happened. This one woman walked into the door without badging in. I told her nicely" Ma'am you have to badge in now. It is a new policy" And I promise you that is all that I said to her. Her response was immediate " F You and F that stupid policy, I am going to do whatever the F I want. You can kiss my Fing A$$." And those were her exact words. I had about 3 other employees standing around and another guard. I was floored that I couldn't think of anything to say. She just walked away still cussing up a storm.

I went to the facilities manager and informed him of what had happened. He told me to get her name and the employee names that witnessed the event. I did and handed all the information over to him.

Here comes the big shocker. Nothing happened to her. I was told since I was just security and a vendor and she was a employee then there was nothing that could be done other than to tell her to please not cuss at the security guards. I couldn't believe it. But in turn it was a good lesson. If your a temp or a vendor, everyone else will look at you like something they would find under their shoe and no one will back you up no matter how crazy it gets. At least at the place where I work.

Monday - A guy found money and wanted to turn it in, But then changed his mind and wanted to keep it. He actually said Finders Keepers. This is an adult mind you.

Tuesday - After emailing this guy numerous times he finally replied with a nasty email. Saying he doesn't have to listen to us.

Wednesday - He came in this morning and said he lost his badge and couldn't get into the building. Funny how things turn around so quickly for these kind of people. You would think he would do anything he could to keep his job right now.

Thursday - It is COLD. None of the guards made outside patrols the previous night because it was snowing. But the client got mad at this and is trying to force them to walk around in freezing temps. The security company came out and gave the guys some coats.

Friday - My supervisor went off about the stupidest thing and when I tried to help he bit my head off, but instead of letting things go I got right into his face and started going off on him. Whew good thing he calmed down and told me I was right. I thought I was about to be out of a job.

This is a fun little story that happened one night while at work. Up to that point it was a very very slow night that was just crawling by. I am sure we all have had those days where the day just doesn't seem to want to end. That's me everyday. But as the night dragged on we got this call about smoke coming from the smoking section.

I said NO REALLY. Thinking it was just another joke from my coworker. So I head out to where the smoking section was and there was a lot of smoke coming from the area, but not from the smokers.

After a few minutes of struggling to see what was what we discovered that one of the lights that was screwed to the trees was sparking and making a fire. Apparently it had a short in it and just kept on sparking.

So we ran and got the fire extinguisher. And I don't know if you have ever seen one of those things go off, but we had the one with the powder. And that stuff goes EVERYWHERE. We ended up blanketing the entire area and we only used half the can. But the electrical box kept on sparking and making something catch on fire. So we ended up calling out supervisor and he freaked out. We got tired of him yelling about using the fire extinguisher we hung up and called the facilities manager.

He ended up calling the building engineer who told us which breaker to flip to turn off the power. We did it but the thing kept on sparking. So he told us that he was on his way in. While we were waiting we would put out the little fires that would start all along spreading that stuff all over the place. All the smokers were complaining that they were covered in that dust. We told them to not smoke then and go inside.

End story is it ended up being the wrong breaker, but a squirrel or something chewing on it is what started the whole thing. But even a few weeks after you could hear the box make weird noises like it was still sparking on the inside of the box, but nothing ever came of it.

And that dust stayed in the smoking area for at least a week before it started to go away. All along putting out the foul smelling odor. I actually preferred it over some of those smokers though.

Have you ever been so mad at the place you work or who you work for that you would love to take advantage of them if the opportunity presented itself. But by the time the opportunity presented itself you returned to normal thinking. This is one of the moments, but when the opportunity presented itself we took full advantage of it.

We had to deal with 2 horrible supervisors for almost 6 months now and couldn't afford to quit.

What ended up happening is we were really pissed at the most recent ass chewing. We really didn't do anything wrong this time either. Which is funny the times we do, do things wrong we don't get caught or in trouble. But when people make things up or lie then we get it handed to us.

Anyways we were really hungry to. And there was these vending machines down this hall that no one goes down. Which also has plenty of doors around it and roof access hallways too. We got the bright idea that if we lay a few phones books down we then can lean the snack machine down on it and move behind it and shake out all the snacks. Which worked like a charm. Definitely a two man operation though. We had another guard working there though this time who was a cousin of one of the supervisors to watch out for now.

So all the snacks fell to the bottom tray. Problem now is that it jammed the tray so it could not open. And there was so much weight on it that we could barely manage to put our fingers in it. But with alittle time we finally got enough out to be able to open it and get everything out. To a long time actually. We put the snacks in my duffle bag and I walked it to my car. Right by the cameras and guard. Then came the tricky one.

There was a soda machine that if you shake it the sodas will fall down as well. We went to this machine. Which was much more visible location. But no one was there at the time because of course I was still working nights. We got them all out. Again I would advise a two man operation for this. But we had the same problem with them getting jammed. More of a problem actually because the bottles were heavier and wouldn't bend since they were under pressure.

After some time we were able to get them out, but we didn't have a place to put them. My buddy ended up going out to his truck and getting his army dufflebag which ended up being just enough to fit all of the drinks in there. But now we had two more problems.

How do we get them out of the building without anyone seeing them. And it was so heavy we both needed to hold it to be able to move it. Lady Luck was on our side once again. My coworker went back out to his car and had a bunch of rope lying around. So we hatched a plan.

We need to get the duffle bag to the roof of the two story building that we were working at, at the time. Tie up the bag VERY carefully and repel it off of the roof onto the ground where the cameras couldn't see it. It took us awhile to get the heavy bag up the stairs, but we were able to. Tying it up seemed to be a problem just because the weight distribution always moved around. Time was starting to run out though because our relief would be arriving soon. So we started to lower the bag. It was being lowered in fron of windows where people were working, but they never looked outside since it was so dark. My coworker then went to go downstairs to catch the bad and hide it till we could move it.

We got it down to the ground without a hitch thankfully. I threw the rope down and went outside to help my coworker. We hauled it over to the back of his truck and hide it well. About the time the cousin of the supervisor walks up on us and asks us what we are doing. We told him we just finished a smoke even though I don't smoke and he was dipping. But he is not exactly the brightest crayon in the box so he just kept on his patrol.

All in all it went off without a hitch and we got away with another one. We ended up having food for about 6 months and drinks for about the same. I don't remember the count on the food, but we had about 60 or 70 sodas that we split up. Not a bad night at all. But like I said stealing is never the answer, but sometimes you just have to stick it to an A**.

Monday - I found a penny in a urinal. Do people think those things are wishing wells?

Tuesday - I had a guard who has worked here for 2 years call me and ask for the main number for the site. I just didn't really say anything and hung up.

Wednesday - I had this one guy come in and ask about his picture. He asked why he was leaning in his picture, and said it was my fault that he was leaning. I just stared at him with a blank look and almost asked him if he was really that stupid.

Thursday - Had a baby shower at work and for some reason I was invited. I got them some diapers.

Friday - We had to kick this one terminated employee out of the building today. He just didn't want to leave. I guess I wouldn't either so damn close to Xmas. But there is going to be a lot more I think.

I was debating whether to tell this story because the idiot in the story is me, but if you can't laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at.

It all started when I found a unopened Dr. Pepper bottle in the trash. I was helping facilities do some work around the office site, and we had a big trash bucket. Well when we went to go throw away the trash this Dr. Pepper bottle was staring at me. I quickly grabbed it because it seemed to be unopened. Which it was.

I thought I had a great find there!! I asked the other guys if they had been the one to throw the Dr. Pepper away by accident. Everyone said no, and I thought I could see some jealousy on the peoples faces because I found a free Dr. Pepper. I didn't know if I wanted to drink it still because I of course found it in the dumpster.

So I took it back to my post after we finished and I just stared at it for hours. Thinking to myself if I should take a drink or not. I ended up opening it smelling the soda to see if maybe it had a weird smell. It smelled fine to me which made it even harder not to taste the dumpster Dr. Pepper.

So I am not going to lie. I took a drink of it. In fact I took a couple of drinks from it, but I started to get this weird feeling so I went ahead and threw the Dr. Pepper away. Little did I know the story did not end there. I ended up finding out why it was in the trash in the first place though.

It ended up being thrown away because housekeeping found it in the urinal that wouldn't flush, so let's call it lemonade was all over it. So the drink was OK, and everything else I put my mouth on, but yeah I drank a Dr. Pepper that was found in a urinal.

Every year we would do a secret santa at the office. The day guards were included with facilities. Well while we were picking names out of the hat my security supervisor Sgt. Retodd came up to me and asked me what I was doing. I told him, since he was doing the same thing. Well he told me that I needed to leave and I couldn't do it because I was taking to long.

Well I walked away pissed off, but then the light in my head went off, and got the perfect idea for a great office prank. I waited for him to leave the office and I went back up to where they were handing out names for secret santa. I talked to the people running the secret santa and talked them into letting me see the rest of the names available. And I started looking and their his name was. The one I was looking for and coveted. Sgt. Retodds name was just lying there begging to be picked.

I of course picked the name and so I got the guy for secret santa. And I started preparing for what I was going to do. I was not going to let this guy off easy, because of all the grief he had given me. So we had to spend at least 20 bucks, but no more than 25 bucks on the secret santa gift.

I am not going to tell you what I got him yet, but I will. So the month goes on while I was planning on what I was going to buy for him. Well finally the day came for secret santa to hand out their gifts. Their was about 30 people doing secret santa that year too. And most of them knew what I had planned, but didn't know what I had gotten him yet.

So we order pizza for the secret santa party before we handed out the gifts. So we ate and everyone was just waiting to see what was going to happen. Well he was one of the last people to get their secret Santa's gift. But when he picked his present up everyone in the room got very silent. You could hear a pin drop.

While he was opening up his gift he stated that it was wrapped with some nice paper and that he wanted to save it. So it took longer, and then he folded the paper up and actually was planning on saving it. And then he opened the box and all that was heard was "OH That Hurts"

He pulled out this book that said "managing for dummies" and "supervising for dummies". The he pulled out this little medicine bottle that said "Chill Pills"

He was not a very happy camper, but everyone died laughing. Now it has become legend and is talked about at every secret Santa's party that we have had after that for 4 years now.